A Christmas gathering...

Don't rule Sam Morgan out in the 2007 elections

Pattern is hard to break...

Pattern is hard to break...
Pattern is hard to break...
Pattern is ha....
I see myself through a pair of binoculars. I'm looking down on my life, wondering, why can't I change one thing or another?
-and yet in that moment-
the one where the camera zooms in, time stands still and the "audience" is quiet,
I realize, my chance is here..

I love going home to...

cousins.












wearing big coats.












eating with my hands.
















my loves.












being fairies.












the starlite lanes.

Avant-garde Beauty

It's odd how beauty can strike you at the most unusual times and in the most unusual forms.

There is this women that regularly comes into the Homeless Center where I work. She is beauty in the truest form of the word. If you can look past the weathered skin and into her aging eyes you can understand beauty.

Since working here at the Center I have noticed how sometimes all people really need is someone to talk to. Sometimes that is all that she needs, someone to listen to her. Hearing the way she talks about her life on the streets is unreal. Unreal not for the fact of the robberies and the hardships that she faces as a homeless person. But unreal because her perspective is one like I've never seen before. She truly lives life to the fullest. Finding humor in the trials that she faces and optimism in the hardships she endures.

I am learning what beauty looks like.

(just two years ago)

These bodies rot away
like the humanness that lives inside them.
Life is so undeserving.
It's such a chance
we did not choose.
It's such a chance.
We play with.
Going in blindly,
not sure what shape were coming out as.
There is no guarantee
to take away the sting,
(of the salt rubbed so vicariously in the wound)

-Jacquie Mayotte 12/09/04

Record of Blessings...

God is so good.

It's amazing how much He blesses my life and how often times I never identify the blessings. He answers my prayers in ways I could never imagine, and then He is rarely ratified with the praise of the actual blessing.

Why is my nature so ungrateful?

ODE TO MARK

I am convinced that my husband Mark is one of the most humble, hard-working, servants that I have ever met. I am serious, few people ever see how much of himself and his time he dedicates to other people. Never saying a thing about it. I on the other hand don't mean to be loud and boisterous but I always seem to let everyone know what I am doing, sometimes it's my way of reaching out for prayer and support, and yeah, I'll admit it sometimes it's about pride. But my husband, he truly shows me what a servants heart looks like.

Along with his full time job, running a homeless shelter and taking care of my craziness, he has started a project delivering furniture to those in need. One weekend a month he and some of the guys from his work load up moving trucks and deliver donated furniture to those in need in the community.

Not only does he dedicate so much of his time and effort to others in the need but he is also such a sweet and giving host. My girlfriends come over all of the time, and my husband makes us tea, does the dishes and opens up our home at anytime, and to anyone. Last week some of my friends decided to spend the night, he pulled out new sheets and made the beds for them, parked their cars in the back, and made sure that they had all that they needed.

Does he sound real? I am in shock and in love with such a beautiful man that gives so much and asks so little.

The Razor Cell Phone

I would like to start off with a quote, said by me, to my little sister...

"If anyone in my family buys a Razor I will kill them!"
It's not that I want to do it...I have to. You see, to me the Razor cell phone is the iconic proof of our American appetites that can never be suppressed. I mean it's a FLAT PHONE. We can be sold anything...with some good marketing, a couple of pictures of celebrities using the product- and were SOLD! I guess things just loose there luster after you've seen them glued to every other persons ear. Maybe I've delved too deeply here...I guess it just makes me laugh...

Since we're in the arena of cell phones I have a challenge for anyone who might take it: Turn your cell phone on silent while your with your friends or family. Don't answer it while your spending time with other people, see what happens, it might just change your life.

OK...I'll eat my words...not the Turkey

After the last post I thought I should redeem myself with some pictures that might make me look a lot more plesent then I sound.

No but really. Mark and I had a great Thanksgiving. My dad came down from Oregon and my cousin Travis came down from Camarillo. We successfully pulled off our first Thanksgiving feast for 20 people all by ourselves! There were quite a few residents at the Transitional Shelter that we manage that had no where to go for Thanksgiving, so we made one big dinner to feed everyone. I was hoping that after Mark cleaned-gutted-and carved two innocent turkey's that he would turn from his dark ways and become a vegetarian- but to no avail, he seemed to enjoy the turkey even more knowing what it took to prepare it.

Nevertheless, Thanksgiving was a great excuse to try new things, bring people together, and indulge in a wonderful meal. I am thankful.

I am not really a big fan of the holidays...

I guess that is one way to get the reader hooked...but really, I am serious, maybe I am much too cynical. It's not like I had a bad experience growing up, I guess I had your pretty average, Santa-hating, home-made presents, too much familiy, country Christmas. I'm not saying that I'm above the problem, I am just calling it out like I see it, i'll just name a few reasons why:

-Obviously we are all clones and have bought into the BIG business of the Holiday season. According to a survey done last year, the average American family spends $835 dollars on Christmas presents. That number is ghastly to me.
-If the Holiday season is supposed to be such a joyous time of year why is it that it has the highest death rate? :
"...They compared the number of deaths during the holiday period, which they defined as Dec. 25 to Jan. 7, to the number of deaths that would be expected at that time of year if deaths from natural causes were unaffected by the holidays. The authors estimated that during the Christmas-New Year holidays, there were about 42,039 more deaths during the 26-year study period than would be expected without the “holiday effect.”..."
-During the Holiday season people seem to be much more aware of what they do or do not have. To me, the "holiday effect," is that people have higher expectations and unrealistic idea that things are supposed to be picture perfect. gag me...no one is perfect.
-Yes giving is a wonderful thing. But for some strange reason a majority of American's believe that is the only time that the poor are in need. Why is it that this is the only time that people feel like giving?
-Santa Clause. period.

But let's look on the bright side of thing...
-Yes I enjoy traditions that are meaningful and give you the warm-fuzzies
- I love that holidays bring people together and that they give people something to look forward to.
-And even though it is primarily seasonal giving...I love the fact that people seem to take on an altruistic character compared to the egoistic one that seems all too prevelant during the 10 month long off season from the holidays

So maybe I am too cynical. There are some wonderful things that can come from the consumer-driven and fabricated lie...just kidding. This year I want to do things differently then Middle-America, maybe then I can be a more cup is half full kind of gal...

The Dark Night of the Soul...

Upon a darkened night
the flame of love was burning in my breast
And by a lantern bright
I fled my house while all in quiet rest

Shrouded by the night
and by the secret stair I quickly fled
The veil concealed my eyes
while all within lay quiet as the dead

Chorus
Oh night thou was my guide
oh night more loving than the rising sun
Oh night that joined the lover
to the beloved one
transforming each of them into the other

Upon that misty night
in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight
Without a guide or light
than that which burned so deeply in my heart

That fire t'was led me on
and shone more bright than of the midday sun
To where he waited still
it was a place where no one else could come

Chorus

Within my pounding heart
which kept itself entirely for him
He fell into his sleep
beneath the cedars all my love I gave
And by the fortress walls
the wind would brush his hair against his brow
And with its smoothest hand
caressed my every sense it would allow

Chorus

I lost myself to him
and laid my face upon my lovers breast
And care and grief grew dim
as in the mornings mist became the light
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair


The Dark night of the Soul is a 15th century writing by St. John of the Cross, in this poem his style is very metaphoric and is a love poem between him and his god...exquisite...

Sewing Club

My friends and I are major dorks...we started a phenomenon called Sewing Night. Every tuesday night is dedicated to a wonderfully vegan-inspired dinner and most importantly, creative expression through the eye of the needle. Tuesday night my house transforms into a sweatshop, we all have our sewing machines lined up and we work diligently to try and create new things. I really enjoy sewing, but even more so I enjoy my friends. I am convinced that I have some of the most beautiful, artistic and intelligent friends. Thank you Emily.Tawny.Jessica.Crystal.

I never realized how cool Target was...

you really know how vastly different your life is when you feel excited in Target...After work this evening my husband and I went to Target, we decided before our shopping to stop by the food court and get a pretzel and an icee. I don't think that I've done this since I was like 8. We sat there like children, sipping our icees and watching people walking around the store shopping. It's amazing how much stuff people buy...what do we do with all of that stuff? But that is not the point...the point is, it's funny how when things in life seem so heavy sometimes all you need is an icee and a pretzel in the Target food court...

...numero uno...

I'm not going to start with a lame introduction of my life "pre-blog," if your reading this you probably already know me...if not, welcome...

Life can be so weird sometimes...I don't know a better adjective to describe it.
I started out my day as an ellipses of the day before. So much going on in my mind that I could barely sleep. Being up in my head and unresolved about so many issues is hard to pull off in my job. I work as a case manager for the homeless population in Orange County. You would hope that anyone in my job would constantly feel blessed by working with people who have virtually nothing. But that is not always the case. Today I just could not shake my own personal issues and really be "there" for my clients.

Luckily an understanding co-worker, a 15 minute break and my ipod, journal and a good cry was all that I needed. Upon my return to work I was greeted by one of my favorite clients, who couldn't wait to tell me, "Today is my 100th day of sobriety!" I am constantly rewarded by working with the very people that our culture deems as "an unproductive part of society," you know what I say to that, "Ah, HELL no!" I learn more from my homeless clients than I do from my own pastor. Needless to say things aren't so bad...and happy 100th day Paul!